Are Our Relationships Working? Time for a New Paradigm Relationship!

H.E.A.L.E.R. – Healthy, Enlightened, Abundant, Loving, Evolving Responsible relationships occur when we we take full responsibility for our experiences, our happiness and all we create.  The illusion and belief systems that create, attachment to outcome, agenda, manipulation, drama, having-losing, neediness and fear dissolve giving way to unconditional love, divine connection, acceptance, freedom, expansiveness, collaboration, inspiration, the creation of beauty and fully present consciousness.


Overview and Introduction


The unconscious adoption of “acceptable” and limited forms of relationship is the norm in our society.  These limited relationship forms include such unimaginative and vague categories as “dating,” “girlfriend/boyfriend,” “engaged” or “married.”  Occasionally, alternative forms of relationships such as ”open relationship, ”“it’s complicated,” “boy/boy,” “girl/girl” or “bi/bi” find their way into fringe acceptance, but are generally considered taboo. 


While we spend much of our time thinking about relationships, planning relationships and engaging in relationships, we don’t often consciously communicate with each other or intentionally create our relationships.  Rather, we sleep walk into relationship categories with vague and basic rules of engagement pre-defined by society.


We not only adhere to these limited forms of relationship, but we actually attempt to force others to adopt these limited forms. . .”I don’t understand why he won’t commit to being your boyfriend.  You should dump him.”  “If you can’t commit to me exclusively, I don’t want to see you again.”


The prevailing mainstream belief is that getting married represents the ultimate relationship objective and many of us agendize and manipulate for that special day for unconsciously making our wedding vows and spending ridiculous sums of money to let the church and state into our spiritual union. 


We are not taught good relationship and emotional communication skills.  As a result, we do not generally act or communicate authentically in our relationships and are programmed to believe that somehow getting married will magically fill the in the gaps of our relational ineptitude. Our current relationship paradigms are generally unclear, unconscious, out of integrity and largely dysfunctional.


Maybe that’s why divorce rates in much of the world are so high. . . Marriage is 100% the cause of all divorces (humor statistic) with Sweden and the U.S. topping this list at 54.9% and 54.8%, respectively. 


Moreover, ABC News Primetime Live Poll : The American Sex Survey, dated Thursday, Oct. 21, 2004, reports that women have an average of 6 sex partners in their lifetimes and men an average of 20.     This demonstrates that the rate of “successful relationships” is much lower than the low rate of successful marriages. 


Thus, a massively high percentage of relationships fail to meet the definition of “success” sold to us by society.


In 1968 researcher, Shere Hite, shook the foundations of conservative America with her famous “Hite Report” on the permissive sexual attitudes of American men and women.  In 1988, Hite released her book, “Women and Love: A Cultural Revolution in Progress” (Knopf Press, 1988) with some updated statistics.  Ms. Hite reveals some startling data describing how women feel about contemporary relationships:

  • 84% of women are not emotionally satisfied with their relationship
  • 95% of women report “emotional and psychological harassment” from their men
  • 70% of women married 5 years or more are having extramarital affairs
  • 72% of men married 5 years or more are having extramarital affairs
  • Only 13% of women married more than 2 years are “in love”

There, however, is some disparity in these numbers.  According to “Studies in Human Sexuality” by Suzanne G. Frayser and Thomas J. Whitby, the number of extramarital affairs is 50%, which is still remarkably high.  


If most relationships are failing (by the current definition of “success”), why do we pretend they are succeeding?  Why are we lying to ourselves and each other?  Why are we mindlessly adopting relationship forms that don’t work?  


This is because (i) we have been programmed to believe that the current forms of relationships actually work; (ii) we fear that we will be ostracized if we engage in a relationship that is unacceptable to our friends, family and society, (iii) there are no other widely disseminated and adopted models for having a healthy, conscious and divine relationship; and (iv) we  desire relationships that provide the illusion of safety, security and predictability over an unstructured and unpredictable relationships that provide greater passion, love, growth and truth.


Rather than engaging in relationships as our divine, abundant, fearless, loving and expansive selves, we conform to limited and contracted expressions of love.  We put limitations on who we can love and how we express love.  We compromise our truth, integrity, freedom and passion, only to resent our loved ones for our compromises.  We blame others for our circumstance and the emotions we feel (e.g., “he/she hurt me, broke my heart, made me mad, made me feel insecure,” etc.).  Yet we perpetuate a myth that our current relationship paradigms and belief systems are healthy and working. 


Despite the “failure” of so many relationships, we go on mindlessly adopting the current relationship paradigms, which often results in an abdication of responsibility, emotional drama, victim mentality, codependency, manipulation, disconnectedness, addiction, fear, attachment, negotiation, selfishness, dishonesty and inept communication.  


The foregoing clearly demonstrates that we need to transform ourselves and the relationship paradigm.  This starts with changing the definition of “success.”


Maybe “success” in relationship is nothing more than the ability to love fully and presently in the moment without attachment to outcome.   We truly only have the moment.  If we spend all our time planning our relationship for our life when we’re 80 years old, we will look back on our relationship and realize that all we did was spend our time together planning and that the plans turned out differently.  However, if we spend our time fully and presently experiencing each other with great love, passion and inspiration, when we arrive at 80 years old, we will look back at a life and relationship full of great love, passion and inspiration.


Maybe success is being unconditionally loving and unconditionally loved for exactly who we are and being able to express our authentic self.


Maybe a successful relationship is one where the participants inspire each other and create beauty in the world.           


Maybe success is having the opportunity to understand oneself more deeply and to grow into a more evolved human as a result of the relationship. 


In addition to changing our definition of success, it’s time to become consciously aware of the beliefs and programs that are negatively affecting our behavior, emotions and relationships. 


It is time to be aware and have conscious relationships that allow us to be expansive, unlimited, passionate, inspired and in our truth and integrity. 


It is time for relationships that create growth and love rather than limitation and fear. 


It is time to build the new relationship paradigm of H.E.A.L.E.R. - Healthy, Enlightened, Abundant, Loving, Evolving, Responsible relationships

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Perhaps the new paradim in relationships is to bring back ancient knowledge to then have a new agreement with reality. The real work on a relationship is inside ourselves. The focus should be our own Divine Couple, not on expecting other to fulfill us.

In the Hindu and Tibetan traditions the "perfect" relationship starts with personal realization, this is taught under the name "Tantra". But tantra is not just the mere physical union of people, but rather a dynamic energy that is constantly creating and destroying, and therefore cocreating and evolving in the Universe as a whole.

In Tantra, the energies of the body are used as the fuel for spiritual develop- ment.

The approximate Sanskrit definition of "Tantra" is "web" or that union of opposites that, when united, become one with everything in the universe. So Tantric practice aims to unify the many and often apparently contradictory aspects of the self into a harmonious whole (e.g. masculine and feminine, spirit and matter, dark and light).

Many people who experience deep ecstatic sexual states liken these to transcendental spiritual experiences. They discover that the distinction between what is carnal and what is spiritual may not be as clear as they were taught. They may even feel that they have come to know God, or ultimate reality, through sex. Tantra and the Kama Sutra both view sexuality as vital aspects of the path to enlightenment.

Tantra’s roots go back many thousands of years and originally developed in India. Tantric practices were at their height between 500 to 1300 AD. It was and is today a living system that is designed to promote rapid growth towards enlightenment in the individual. The spiritual, sexual and personal transformation components of Tantra included yoga, meditation, deity worship, whole-body health, and Ayurvedic medicine.

What is most experiential in life is also
most spiritual. In other words, when you allow yourself to be deeply moved by an experience—feeling it in your body, letting go of the ego’s need to control things—then you are having what mystics have called a spiritual experience. Handling a powerful spiritual experience well requires an individual to have some personal growth encounters.



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